WHAT TRIBE IN YOUR COUNTRY DO YOU THINK THIS MAN IS FROM!?

 A man had a serious accident with his
brand new car....
A police officer nearby ran to the
scene to help them out.
the man ran out of his car Yelling.
“This man’s car just hit my car! That
car is worth Six million Naira!
Now, my car is a total write-off!” The
police officer shook his head in
disbelief and said “You are so
materialistic.

You didn’t even realize that your hand
had been cut off”
..
the man looked at his bloody arm and
screamed “OH MY GOD!!!
Where is my gold wristwatch???

TICHA MAGUMASHI

TICHA: yani elimu siku hizi imeshuka sana na mitihani ya siku hizi imekuwa rahisi sana tofauti na enzi zangu.
MWANAFUNZI: kwani wewe ulisoma enzi zipi?
TICHA: enzi zile uwanja wa Man Utd ulikuwa ulikuwa unaitwa NEW TRAFORD.

MZEE WA INTERNET

Mke mmoja aliyechoka na tabia ya Mume wake ya kupenda kuchat na kuangalia internet kwenye simu yake alitoa kali ya mwaka. Mume huyo hakua na muda wa kuzungumza na mkewe, kila mara yeye na simu yake tu. Ndipo Mkewe alipomuuliza.
mke: Honey unayo emall?
mume: Ndio.
mke: Basi naomba address yake ili nikitaka kukuambia jambo nikutumie email.

M-TZ NA MKENYA

Mtanzania na mkenya waliingia supermarket moja jijini DSM.Walipotoka nje,mkenya akawa anajigamba kwamba wakenya ni wajanja kuliko watanzania huku akimuonesha mtanzania chocolate tatu alizoiba supermarket.Mbongo akamshawishi mkenya warudi tena ndani ya supermarket ili naye akamuoneshe ustadi wake.Walipofika tu ndani,mtanzania akamwambia mhudumu,"nataka kukuonesha mazingaombwe,hebu niletee chocolate tatu!".Yule mhudumu akamletea chocolate tatu,jamaa akazila zote mbele ya mhudumu halafu akasema,"unaona mhudumu,mwenyewe umeshuhudia nimekula chocolate tatu lakini amini usiamini,chocolate zako ziko mfukoni kwa huyu jamaa".Mhudumu akamkagua mkenya mfukoni then akachukua chocolate zake zote tatu.Hahahaaa Teh! teh! teh!

THREE FRIENDS

Three Friends went to USA for vacation. Since they were new at the place, they had to stay in a hotel. They
ended up being on the 60th floor. The policy of the hotel was that, at midnight, the elevator is shut down.
The next day, the friends rented a car and explored the city. They enjoyed themselves and arrived at the hotel
pass midnight. The elevators had been shut down. There was no other way to get to their room than to take the stairs all the way to the 60th floor.
The 1st friend said; "for the 1st 20 floors, I'll tell jokes to keep us going". (pointing to the 2nd
friend) you'll say wise stories for the next 20 floors and you'll (pointing to
the 3rd friend) cover the final 20 floors with sad stories.He started telling jokes. With lots of
laugh and joy, they reached the 20th floor. The 2nd friend started telling stories
full of wisdom. They had learnt a lot on reaching the 40th floor.
Now it was time for sad stories.
The 3rd friend said; my 1st sad story is that
I forgot the key of the room in the car!! Hahahaha!!!

HII KALI

Hapo Je?,unasemaje..

HASIRA HASARA

Siku mmoja Baba alimuuliza mwanae swali na maongezi yao yalikuwa hivi....
BABA:nikikupiga huwa hasira zako unamalizia wapi?
DOGO: Namalizia chooni
BABA: Huko chooni unamalizia vipi? 
DOGO:Huwa nasafisha tundu la choo kwa kutumia mswaki wako unaotumia kila siku!
Ehh! ungekuwa wewe ungefanyaje?

KINYOZI KAINGIZWA MJINI

Jamaa kaingia kwa kinyozi na mtoto,akaomba anyolewe nywele na ndevu.
Alipomaliziwa akasema mtoto pia anyolewe,akaaga kuwa anaenda dukani kumnunulia mtoto viatu.
Masaa matatu yakapita jamaa bado haonekani.Kinyozi akamwambia mtoto,"Oya babako amekusahau?"
Mtoto akajibu,"Yule sio baba yangu...mi nilikuwa napita hapo nje,akanishika mkono akaniambia tuingie hapa tunyolewe bure!"

IBADA ZITAKAVYOKUWA MIAKA IJAYO

Miaka michache ijayo, ibada zitakuwa kama ifuatavyo.

MCHUNGAJI: Bwana asifiweee!
WAUMINI: Ameeen!
MCHUNGAJI: Tafadhalini washarika sasa tuchukue iPad,
tablet,Iphone na kindle zetu ili tufungue 1 Wakorintho
13:13. Pia washeni bluetooth zenu ili muweze kupokea mahubiri. Mnaotumia facebook, twitter, BBM na Whatsapp mnaweza kuendelea kupokea mahubiri haya. Tafadhalini
washarika mnaweza kutumia Wi-Fi ya kanisa kwa uhuru
kabisa kwa kutumia nywila/Password ya IMANI613. Haleluuyah!
WAUMINI: Haleluuuuyaaaaah!
MCHUNGAJI: Wapendwa washarika sasa ni wakati wa sadaka kwa hiyo kadri ya itakavyokupendeza kumtolea Mungu unaweza kutumia credit,Visa ama debit card, pia unaweza
kutoa sadaka kwa njia ya MPesa, Tigopesa, Airtel money ama EzyPesa kupitia namba zinazoonekana kwenye skrini.
 
WAKATI WA MATANGAZO :
KATIBU WA KANISA:(1) Wapendwa washarika wiki hii kutakuwa na mikutano ya kiroho kupigia group letu la Facebook. Mada kuu itakuwa uponyaji wa kiroho kwenye ndoa. Washarika wote mnakaribishwa kushiriki.(2) Siku ya Alhamisi kutakuwa na mafundisho ya Biblia moja kwa moja kupitia Skype kuanzia saa moja jioni. Tafadhali msikose kushiriki. Pia mnaweza kuendelea kufuatilia ibada hii pamoja na mafundisho yote kutoka kwa mchungaji kupitia akaunti yake ya Twitter.
Haleluyaaaaaah!
WAUMINI: Ameen!

MTOTO ASIYEPENDA SHULE

Kutana na toto lisilopenda shule eti siku mmoja mwizi aliingia nyumbani kwao kuiba, alipofanikiwa kuiba wakati anaondoka yule dogo alimkamata mguu halafu akamwambia eti "Usipochukua na begi langu la madaftari napiga kelele".